beginnings

a buoy on short rope in a rising tide
a kite in a waning wind
the hesitation before things collide

the lapse before the end

I tell this story reluctantly. I’ve been asked numerous times by various persons to do so, but have resisted until now. But one of my daughters has made a compelling argument – promising to stop talking to me if I don’t start.

This is not a story of personal triumph or accomplishment – but of brokenness and grace. It is not a story at all as much a rendering of random thoughts, knit together like a Carolina quilt. I live in a world of 7 billion people or so – each of us has a story – mine is not more or less interesting in my own estimation – or more worthy to tell. Nevertheless…

At this moment I sit outdoors a coffee shop in Tallahassee, FL – the place where my children and first wife live – a place where I once shepherded a church. Perhaps I will speak of this later – we’ll see. My son has a game tonight that I will attend. I rarely miss one, though I live almost 3 hours away. Yesterday he stroked a ball that hit the top of the fence about a foot short from going over. I’ve had similar hits – and never a home run. Such is the story of my life. I hope by my support and encouragement before the season’s over – he’ll have that memory of circling the bases triumphantly. Something his Dad has not yet known but aspired to and probably secretly continues to vicariously through him.

Men want that – to be celebrated, respected. Wise women understand. Our dream is not so much to be cherished but to be heroic. I always dreamed of being significant – I used to imagine myself on a field of football dreams making an incredible move, followed by overpowering an unsuspecting defensive cornerback or linebacker, accelerating with incomparable speed and crossing the goal line with football high-lifted in the air. That’s where my dreams began – with a football.

My father played football and we, my siblings and I, were immersed in it as a pseudo-religion. For me it was the only worthwhile life aspiration – to play professional football. Everything else was something short of the pinnacle plan. My love of football was in its essence a form of father worship. It was the place where I had hoped to please him, to gain his respect, approval and affirmation. For my father it was a place of discipline into the higher manifestations of hyper-masculinity.

Yet I was not blessed with exceptional athletic ability – above average perhaps – but again, that is the story of my life. I do a lot of things well – none with excellence – none that would allow me to trounce around the bases to the roar of the crowd and standing ovation, to the hugs and high fives of proud teammates. I did not score touchdowns or throw for any. My fate was to develop expertise in the most underappreciated and seemingly inconsequential position on the field – punter. If one aspires to fame – punting is not the path to take.

Few are inspired by a punter. Ray Guy – the greatest punter ever to walk onto a football field – just recently lost his final chance to be considered for the NFL Hall of Fame – a tragedy for him and all punters, yes, but indicative of the way that the rest of the football world views us – as an unfortunate necessity – and a non-athlete.

The art of punting requires incredible hand, eye and foot skill, balance, symmetry, timing and coordination. Line all the other position players on the football field – ask them to throw a football. Many can. Ask them to catch a football. Many still can. Now ask them to punt a football and watch it devolve into a live circus. Nevertheless we are the Rodney Dangerfield’s of football – we get no respect.

My senior year in high school I averaged over 40 yards a punt. I must admit to having felt proud of myself. I had worked really hard to perfect the craft. My father, who was my first mentor in the art of punting, had died two years previously – but I imagined that he would be proud too – I prayed before every game that I would play in a way that would make him so. Yet, there were no awards, no recognition for my accomplishment, no scholarship offers. A kind high school referee noticed me game after game – saw that I was talented and took it upon himself to market me to colleges and encourage me to attend. I was so grateful.

He brought me to see a college game in Athens, GA. There I saw true football greatness – the incomparable and incarnate Herschel Walker – all I can say is that whatever you saw of Herschel on TV does not compare to what I saw in person. What a human specimen of football divinity he was that day – and I was in football heaven. It was not destined for me to play between the hedges – too intimidating and large a stage for me. Rather, I chose to go to the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga. They were graduating a senior punter – which was my open door and opportunity for greatness, as I then perceived it.

I offered to God an irresistible and generous plan. If He were to give to me the desire of my heart and allow me to play professional football – I would use that platform as an opportunity to witness for Him. How could He possibly turn that down? I thought. But I did not end my regretful prayer there. So confident was I that God was impressed and enticed by my offer, I continued…but if it is not Your will for me to do so, make it obvious. Injure my leg in a way that I will not be able to recover from or return to the aspirations of this dream.

Silliest prayer I’ve ever prayed and God has chosen to ignore many of my silly prayers before. Yet predictably, He was faithful to answer this one. During spring workouts I tore tendons in my hip, eventually requiring invasive surgery. An insecure ego and a room full of weights can be a dangerous equation. But I have always perceived this as no simple mishap or accident but an answer to my prayer – for I had torn the same tendons that Jacob tore when he wrestled with God. Now not a day goes by in my life that this particular injury does not remind me of God’s fateful answer – and that my destiny were different from my dreams.

My son and I discuss major league pitchers and hitters like the Apostle Paul talked with Timothy about discipleship. We study the craft that has become his dream. I know in my heart that he will not only hit homeruns but in my mind and heart he already is one. There is a sense in which my greatest feat of accomplishment stands before me in the towering grandeur of an aspiring son – who has chosen his own dreams. I for one, whether he hits it over the fence or not, will stand to my feet and feel surging and swelling pride – every time he comes to bat.

God did not give me my heart’s desire but He gifted me another – a better one – one that I would not trade for anything in the world. I have had the unusual opportunity and privilege not only of raising my son – and three beautiful daughters – but also to play a surrogate role in the lives of many additional sons and daughters who see me as a spiritual Dad. This enterprise is one that is dear to the heart of God who makes it His own mission to “Father the fatherless.” Ironically it was the art of punting that allowed me access to their lives and even more uniquely to do so in a neighborhood – ironically called Desire.

By the way – my son did not hit a homerun this night – he struck out 10 of 12 batters he faced and threw a no hitter. ☺